Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
