it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
