i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize