I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
