the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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