Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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