that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
