I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
