I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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