Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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