the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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