Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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