I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
