i barfeds in our rink
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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