Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize