Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
