I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
