So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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