You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
