Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
