When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
i now understand why vodka
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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