I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
