her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
