a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
