Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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