He disabled his match.com account in front of me
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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