Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
