I accidentally burped into my bong.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
