Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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