he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
