Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
honey bunches of taint.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
