She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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