Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize