My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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