Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
