Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize