Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize