its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
