it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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