That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
