My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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