Im at strip club and am horny
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
