I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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