we have pet lesbian snakes
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize