I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
