Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
