new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize