he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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