Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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