my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize