Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
