I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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