So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
