I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
