i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
