Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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