he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
