apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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