forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
