I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
