Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
