Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
