you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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