i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
