He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
