bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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