i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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