We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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